"When You Can't Just Walk Away" VI
by Myra Love
  Article # 460 Article Type: Weekly Serial

The next afternoon I went from school to the deli, stopping at home long enough to lie about what I was up to. But no one was there to delay me with questions about where I was going or when I’d be back, so I left a note.
My parents were funny. My mom didn’t seem to have the energy to issue curfews or make rules. Since Dad sold his business to run the church, she had to work longer hours to make up the income, and she had chores to do for the congregation. At home she pretty much let my father run the show. She might have objected to his idea of parenting, but she never had the strength to win an argument with him.
My dad has been my greatest teacher in the fine art of secretiveness. He believes that mankind is innately sinful and incapable of goodness except when confronted with imminent punishment. My dad never tried to control what I did, he just punished me after the fact. To avoid punishment, I became a successful sneak.
“ Read the Bible, and you’ll see. Disobedience is in man’s blood since Adam,” he lectured my mother when she objected.
“ Clarence, it’s not right to punish him when no one has ever told him what he is doing is wrong.
“ Words are ineffective,” my dad replied.
“ But the Lord told Adam not to eat of the fruit of the tree. Adam knew he was doing wrong before he was punished,” Mom protested.
My father said, “Enough! The boy knows what’s right and what’s wrong.”
“ No, he doesn’t,” she insisted. “Not unless you teach him. That’s what parents are supposed to do. Teach their children.”
He snorted. “Well, that’s exactly what I’m doing,” he said sharply. “Now I don’t want to hear another word about it.”

I headed right to the deli. The guys were there. Sean eyed me suspiciously as I hobbled in. “Still pretending you have a sore ankle,” he said. It wasn’t a question, so I didn’t treat it like one. I sat down next to Mike, across from Sean and waited for Nora Nowhere to come over.
“ I looked for you yesterday,” I said to no one in particular.
Fogger grinned at me. “We figured you’d need to rest after your doctor’s appointment. Besides, we went out to Henry’s,” he said. “We all know what a good time you have at Henry’s.” His grin turned into a smirk. Mike gave me a kick under the table.
Henry sold drugs in an old house about five miles west of town. The only thing the Razors ever bought from him was pot. Mike said his stuff was inferior. I didn’t claim to know. The first time I smoked pot I had a really bad coughing fit and threw up. The second time I was more successful. Sort of. I got high and so paranoid that I freaked out. The Razors didn’t notice until it was time to drive back to town. They found me in the cellar, hiding behind the hot water heater. I never lived it down. After that, whenever they went to Henry’s, I managed to have a convenient reason to stay home. I didn’t like to think about it much, but I really wasn’t a terrific success as a Razor.
“ So,” Sean said to me, blowing smoke from his cigarette out his nose, “I guess you’re the only one who doesn’t know I suggested that Jayhawk join us. He said he might be interested.” Sean eyed me condescendingly. “I don’t think it really matters what you think, but for the record, I want him and Fogger doesn’t. Mike and Jeremy are too gutless to take sides, and their opinions don’t really matter either.”
I looked at Fogger who was staring out the window as if the subject didn’t concern him. Sean pushed a little harder. “Mike, Jeremy, and Buzzard aren’t the only wimps at this table.” He turned his head so he could watch Fogger out of the corner of his eye. “You pretend you’re tough, Fogger,” he said, “but you haven’t done anything worth spitting at.” He stretched to show off his pecs and to indicate that he was totally at ease, but his voice cracked when he concluded, “Jayhawk has done time for assault.”
Fogger snorted. “Doing time doesn’t mean you’re tough. It just means you’re stupid enough to get caught and old enough to go to jail. We don’t get caught because I plan our activities, and I’m smart. Anyway, if Jeremy, Mike, or Buzzard here got busted, they’d get sent to juvie. He looked hard at Sean, who said nothing.
I twitched slightly. Fogger didn’t notice, but Sean did. “Whatsa matter with you?” he demanded.
I shrugged. “Nothing. I just had an itch.”
This made Jeremy and Mike laugh so hard that Sean and Fogger couldn’t help but join in. The laughter eased the tension for about ten seconds.
“ You know,” Sean went on, looking from Mike to Jeremy to me, “I think Fogger is afraid to let Jayhawk hang with us. We might start to see through his tough guy act.”
“ Oh yeah?” Fogger grunted. “Says who?”
Sean nodded. “If that’s not true, you’re gonna have to prove it.”
“ And just how am I gonna do that? Turn you into hamburger?”
Sean sneered. “You really are a moron, Fogger. Threatening me doesn’t make you tough. If you want us to believe you’re tough, you’re gonna have to show us.”
I wished Sean hadn’t taken it on himself to speak for all of us. Fogger glared at him for a minute, then said, “All right. I’ve been thinking of something a little more exciting than the break-ins.”
“ What do you have in mind?” Mike asked, trying to sound nonchalant.
“ Something we can do together,” Fogger said softly, “all of us. I don’t have the details worked out yet, but it’s gonna be good.”
I felt my heart sink when he said “we.” If Fogger wanted to do something stupid to show how tough he was and the others wanted to go along with it, that was their business, but I didn’t want any part of it. Fogger didn’t say anything more right then because Nora came over to take my order. I asked for a Coke and a bag of chips.
“ We’ll see,” Sean said after she walked away from our booth. “But I still think letting Jayhawk in is a good move.”
Fogger shrugged. “We’ve got better things to do than argue about some guy who was stupid enough to get busted.”
I twitched again, but this time no one noticed. A few minutes later we got our check, and hassled Nora a little, suggesting various indecent things she’d have to do to get a tip. When Old Sam came over to see what the problem was, we paid up and left.
Fogger wanted to score some pot at Henry’s so I hobbled off towards home while the rest of the guys piled into Sean’s car. On my slow walk through town I thought about what Fogger had said. A few weeks earlier, the choice would have been easy: better to end up in trouble than to lose face with the Razors. Something had changed. I didn’t know what, but I sensed it. I still didn’t want to be shown up as a chicken to the other Razors, but I couldn’t see myself taking part in something Fogger called exciting, code for dangerous, when I hadn’t even managed to burgle the house of an old woman successfully. I distracted myself from these dead end thoughts by planning some more for the session with Susie the next afternoon.
When I got to the kitchen door my father’s back was to me. I could see the tension in his shoulders. My mother, however, had a pleased expression on her face.
“ I don’t care what you say,” she said, uncharacteristically brave. “He’s doing something worthwhile. When I picked up the mail today, Mrs. Ellis tried to hug me. She said that her daughter Susie charged off to school yesterday and today. No complaints, no mysterious flu. And Mrs. Ellis attributed the change to Buzz. Now, admit it, Clarence, tutoring is a good thing!”
My father grumbled, “He didn’t ask permission. In fact, he didn’t tell us, and that’s lying. He needs to learn.” He caught my eye as I came through the door and began to loosen his belt.
“ No, he didn’t lie,” my mom said emphatically. “He told me he was tutoring, but I didn’t believe him, so I didn’t tell you.”
“ Well, you should have told me he was lying about tutoring if you thought he was,” my father complained. “I could have taught him a lesson then.” He tightened his belt once more and frowned. “You come in here, boy,” he ordered. “You’re almost late for supper.”
I entered the kitchen and walked over to the sink to wash my hands. My mom grinned at me. “Did you hear what I just told your father?” she ruffled my hair.
“ I heard you say that Susie didn’t put up a fuss about going to school,” I replied. “And Mrs. Ellis gave me credit for the change.” I walked over to the table and sat down. “I hope she’s right.”
My father snorted. “How old is that Susie Ellis?” he demanded.
“ Why, she’s ten,” my mother replied.
“ I wasn’t asking you,” he said ungraciously, “I was asking the boy.” He turned and shook a finger at me. “You better not have anything filthy on your mind, boy.”
“ She’s ten and immature,” I replied, exasperated.
He snorted. “Wouldn’t stop you once the devil gets hold of your mind,” he said severely. “So are you getting paid for this tutoring?”
I nodded. “I will be, though I haven’t gotten any money yet.”
“ Well, I expect you to turn it all over to your mother,” he said. “If you don’t, I’ll deal with you. Do you understand?”
I nodded.
“ I didn’t hear an answer,” he said, fumbling with his belt again.
“ Yes, I understand,” I replied. “Would you please say grace, sir?”
My mother beamed at me, and my father stared at me a second in astonishment, then he bowed his head and began his nightly haranguing of the Lord.

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