was a sitting there looking at fountain pens on the electronic
Internet auction place when my wife Tina Belle looks over
and says, "I might want to bid on some things so just
what is your password?" I says, "Well I can't remember
sweetie." The Italian Babe gives me that stare and says,
"Well you must have written it down." I says, "I
did but I don't remember where." She says, "Well
just how in the Sam hill do you bid if you're so all fired
ignorant about your password?" I explain that I only
look at the pictures, never ever actually bid on a fountain
pen, so I don't need a password." She gives me a little
squinty eyed stare and says, with some Italian emphasis, "Horse
Pucky! It's all because of that dang horse isn't it? That's
why you won't give me your password." Whooo Haa, I'm
in the jailhouse now! That dang horse.
back a bit in time with me cowpokes to a National Horse Show
a couple of years ago. We were there showing the big black
stallion when Mr. Big Breeder comes up and says, "Will
and Tina Belle, I'm a having a big fandango, BBQ and horse
auction out at my place tomorrow and I want y'all to come."
OK, free lunch, we'll be there. So the next day me, Tina,
Bubba, Billy Bob and Gonzalo all pile into Moby Dick, the
big pickemuptruck (yes, that's one word in Texas). Moby Dick
being white with bathtub size fenders, chrome trimmed mud
flaps, dual air horns and off we go for a rip snortin good
time in West Texas. Well we roll right through security out
there at the main gate of the Flying Red Horse Ranch and park
between a big old green Jaguar and one of those Mercedays
Bends. I can see right off that we're going to do the two-step
with a bunch of city slicker dudes. While Tina Belle makes
social acquaintances I head off to the barn to pay my respects
to the trainers. Tina Belle knows that all of the trainers
at the Flying Red Horse are fillies, young ones, pretty ones,
and they drive trucks. I feel her stare on the back of my
get it! BBQ, time to eat. Me and the gang hobble (new buckaroo
boots) up the hill to this big old circus tent where we chow
down on real Texas beef, a few Chile peppers for flavor and
wash it all down with generous helpings of ice cold Lone Star
Beer. After a few more of those Lone Stars we all break out
into a roaring rendition of San Antonio Rose. Deep within
my heart lies a melody
soon a crowd starts appearing in the ring and I can tell it's
about time to watch some Dudes buy fancy horses. Gonzalo wonders
out loud about how they go about pulling a horse trailer with
one of those Jaguars. Well the bidding is hot and heavy, everywhere
you turn people are a waving there hands and a shouting "Yeeeaaaahhh."
I got 30 30 30 gimme 40 40 40 "Yeeeaaaahhh" I got
40 40 40 who'll give me 50 50 50 "Yeeeaaaahhh" sold
to the man in the big hat. Well this goes on right smartly
for awhile so I begin to wander around the crowd. I'm a standing
with my friends from over on the Matagoro chewing the fat
over the merits of a high port bit when I start to notice
that a whole lot of folks seem to be giving me that "Hey,
you'd better pay attention stare!" I keep on with our
intellectual discussion and people keep on staring at me.
Somewhere off in the distance I'm listening to that auctioneer
"Yeeeaaaahhh." I got 22 22 22 gimme 23 23 23 "Yeeeaaaahhh"
I got 23 gimme 24 24 24 who'll give me 24 "Yeeeaaaahhh"
25 25 25 who'll give me 25 "Yeeeaaaahhh" Sold to
the blond in the back row. That's when things got real quite,
all eyes were a looking at me and then Gonzalo leans over
and says, "Congratulations Will, you just bought that
dang horse." Bought! That dang horse! Me! The blond in
the back row! Then slowly the trail dust clears from my Lone
Star Beer saturated brain and Oh my Lord in Heavens name!
The blond in the back row, yep, you got it right cowhands,
Tina Belle, the Italian Babe! She done spent the whole week's
feed money on a horse. That's when I announce to no one in
particular that I think I'll just very casually saunter over
to Tina Belle and see what's going on. I'm a telling you that
casual saunter is hard to do when your legs are as wobbly
as two rubber bands and you're wearing new boots but since
it was downhill I made it in record time.
"Tina Belle what's happening?" Tina Belle informs
me she just bought that cute little chestnut mare. I kinda
smiled and inquired as to how much that cute little mare was
a going to cost me. Tina Belle looks up with a big smile and
says, "Twenty-Five Hundred dollars." HUNDRED!!!!!
Houston, we have a problem. About that time the auctioneer
fella shows up with the ticket and says, "Just sign right
here young lady." Tina Belle needs a pen so I pop out
my 1929 Wahl Jade Green Tulip clip fine flex nib loaded with
that wonderful smelling Havana Brown and hand it to her straight
away while I mention, "Better double check that price
honey bunch." I see her eyes get big, I see the blood
drain from her face, I see everybody a looking at her in wild
admiration. She sort of whispers that there seems to be some
mistake here cause her bid was 25 HUNDRED dollars. That mumble
mouth auctioneer fella says, "Nope, your bid was $25,000."
Tina Belle says, "Sorry, no deal." That auctioneer
fella turned very pale, then kinda emerald green and made
some sort of whooshing sound with his scrunched up tobacco
stained little mouth that sounded distinctly like his 20%
commission going down the drain. Tina Belle marches straight
over to Mrs. Big Breeder who has a smile the size of the grand
canyon across her face and tells her of the misfortunate (lucky
me) error. Mrs. Big Breeder without even blinking says, "Don't
worry about it, things like this happen all the time."
we gathered up the crew and a walked out of there a smiling
and a waving to the crowd who still hadn't figured out what
had really happened. They all thought they were waving to
the folks who just bought a $25,000 horse so we just kept
on waving back. We climbed into Moby Dick and high tailed
it out of there. By the time we hit the main highway we were
all laughing so hard we had tears running down our cheeks.
That danged $25,000 horse!
this day every so often somebody will come up to Tina and
say, "Aren't you the lady that bought that $25,000 horse
from the Flying Red Horse Ranch?" Tina just kinda smiles
and says, "Yep." And that fellow cowhands is why
I keep my password to that electronic Internet auction place
locked up in the deep dark recesses of my fountain pen box,
one $25,000 horse is enough.
cinch tight and don't squat on your spurs Buckaroos and Buckarettes.
Copyright 2001. All rights reserved. No part
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of the author except for brief editorial quotes.